I'm Smarter Than You, Dibstink!
by JustPlainToni
Summary: Zim wants brains! And in order to get Dib's, he has to score higher than him in standardized testing.  How much knowledge can one Zim handle in a night's cramming? Find out!


PLEASE READ: The idea of this story is not mine but Cloaked Irken's. We talked about it and thought it would be fun if we did a little contest to see who would write the best story with this idea. All I have to say is that this is craziest thing I have ever written. So enjoy!

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I'm Smarter than You, Dib-stink!

It was another boring morning as the students of Ms. Bitters' class enter the room for another day of skool but not for Dib. Dib ran into his teacher's class frantically closing the door behind him. He huffed breathing steadily. Ms. Bitters growled at his action.

"What do you think you're doing?" Ms. Bitters questioned the boy.

"Ms. Bitters, Zim's crazy robot dog is out to get me! HE's shooting bananas at my head!" Dib shouted while his classmates stared at him.

"Open the door, Dib. There are still students that need to get here."

"But…"

"NOW!"

Dib opened the door and saw that no one was on the other side. His classmates laughed at him while he went to his desk. Zim came in.

"Zim!" Dib shouted at him.

"What?" Zim asked annoyed at his shouting.

"I know you're robot tried to take me out with bananas!"

"Yeah, of course he did, I sent him after you! You're allergies will destroy you yet. Just look at you! Covered in hives!" Zim yelled pointing at him. Dib looked at his hands and felt his forehead.

"I'm not covered in hives." Dib said.

"You're not?" Zim said surprised.

"No, I'm not even allergic to bananas. Who's allergic to bananas?"

"Not you, apparently, hmmm….I must have underestimated you're ability to handle bananas. You win this round Dib but next time-"

"ENOUGH! SHUT You're PEEP-HOLE!" Ms. Bitters screamed at them. "I don't want to hear another word out of you!"

Zim shut his mouth and sat at his desk and noticed it had a metal helmet on it. He looked around the classroom and saw that all his classmates had helmets on their desks. Dib saw Zim staring at him and glared at him. Zim noticed his glare and challenged him to a glaring contest.

"Tomorrow there is going to be a fourth grade standardized test for you to complete to check you children how well you are doing in my class." Ms. Bitters explained. "This evaluation will not affect your grade, but will affect my paycheck if you little varmints fail this, so doom shall cover your very souls if you fail me with your stupidity. I wasn't supposed to tell you but I will anyways to warn you of my wrath. Isn't that nice of me?"

Her students nodded.

"Good, so today we are going to fill your little minds with so much information that you might forget your own name so I would take this opportunity to write it down." Ms. Bitters ordered so everybody wrote down their names.

"Now, everybody, get their study helmets on and let this brain cramming session begin." Ms. Bitters ordered and the students placed the heavy metal helmets on their heads. A blue screen popped out in front of their eyes and started scanning information directly into their brains. They remained in this brain cramming session until it was legally time for lunch. Zim walked out of the class room having a major headache from being forced to memorize human information. Zim grabbed his tray of green glop and sat at his usual spot away from any human including the Dib. He held his weary head as he began poking at the glop. Dib saw this as an opportunity to spy on him. Dib took out his camera and began moving closer to him until he heard Zim talking to himself.

"Stupid humans!" Zim muttered. "Filling my head with this knowledge. Zim has no need for this!"

"What's wrong, Zim?" Dib butted into Zim's contemplation. "Can't handle a little cram session?"

"Ha," Zim denied. "Nonsense, we Irkens are far more superior in handling new knowledge. That's why we can conquer planets so easily."

"See!" Dib shouted to his classmates who were eating their lunches. "He admitted that he took over planets, don't you believe he's an alien now?"

"Shut up," Shouted a voice from another dimension. "That's not what the story's about!"

"Fine," Dib said annoyed by the mysterious voice. "See if I care that the story been taken over by alien monkeys!"

"Alien monkeys?" Gaz questioned standing next to Dib. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh. Never mind," Dib said turning his attention to Zim who was laughing at him.

"Ah ha ha ha ha, stupid Dib." Zim insulted him.

"I'm not stupid!" Dib shouted denying his accusations. "You're stupid for not conquering this planet already."

"Ah ha, ha, WHAT?" Zim heard making him stopping enjoying laughing.

"You said that your race is smarter because it can take over planets by gaining new knowledge easily, correct?" Dib asked him.

"Yea, so, That what I said for I am Zim and I'm right about everything!" Zim boasted standing on the cafeteria table.

"Then why haven't you conquered this planet already?" Dib questioned Zim's ability as an invader. "Are you stupid or something?"

"Me, Zim, Stupid, Ha!" Zim laughed at his accusations. "I am not stupid, Dib-stink, I am a genius! You just keep meddling in my plans you Earth-filth."

"That's right!" Dib proudly agreed. "I'm way smarter and always be two step ahead of you, face it, Zim, you're not that smart."

"Silence," Zim screeched stopping Dib's mockery of his good name. "I am too smart; in fact I am willing to prove that!"

"How?" Dib asked him confused.

"Stupid human," Zim said jumping off the table in front of Dib to make a dramatic scene. "With your standardize test tomorrow of coarse. I bet my brain that I would pass with a higher grade than yours."

"Bet your brain, huh?" Dib repeated thinking up an idea. "How about we wager on it?"

"Huh?" Zim said confused by Dib's statement.

"If I get a higher score, then I get your brain."

"Nu-uh!" Zim protested. "You can't have my brain, it's mine!"

"What's a matter, Zim," Dib sneered at him. "Surely you would pass that test no problem, are you scared?"

"Never!" Zim screamed. "Fine, but if I get a high grade, then I get your brain."

"What?" Dib said surprised.

"Mah ha, see how the tables have turned." Zim said amazing by his demand. "So how about it, Dib? I get your brain when I defeat you, how about it?"

"Sure, why not." Dib agreed.

"This is all so stupid." Gaz said walking away to play her video game.

"So we have an agreement, your brain for mine?" Zim said excited like.

"Deal," Dib said holding out his hand for a hand shake. Zim looked at the hand curiously and gravely frowned upon it.

"Don't intimidate Zim with your Earthly honor!" Zim shouted offended then he quickly licked his hand and smeared his spit on Dib's glasses. Dib backed away confused to what just happened to him. Then he saw that his glasses were slimy.

"My glasses, what the-" Dib said feeling his glasses with his left hand. Zim's spit stretched off his glasses on to his hand. "Ewwwww….Alien Slime! The horror, the horror!"

Zim smiled evilly and laughed at him when Dib ran out of the cafeteria trying to get the stuff off of him. Dib ran into the bathroom and collected Zim's DNA sample from the slime.

After skool, Zim went home carrying the books he needed to become successful on the test. Zim opened the door and sat on his couch placing his Math, Science and English books on his cushion.

"This is going to be easy. Dib's brain will be mine in no time!" Zim gloated picking up his Math book turning to a page about fractions.

"Let's see," Zim said starting to read aloud. "If there was one pie and you wanted to share the pie evenly with Jimmy, you would split it in half. Each of you would get one half. That is the fraction. ½. What? Who's Jimmy and why would I want to split pie with him. That's my pie!"

"Hi!" Gir peeped opening the door. As Gir entered the house, Zim heard cheering and clapping noises coming from four people following Gir.

"Who are those people?" Zim asked pointing to cheerful humans.

"Those are my friends from the audience staff. We are playing sitcom." Gir said happily.

"No one is watching Zim! Get out of my house!" Zim demanded to the audience people pointing to the door. They grasped surprised and groaned as they left the house. Then he stared at his robot. "Gir,"

"Yes…"

"What did I tell you about bring home strangers?"

Gir sighed and repeated what his master told him. "Only when it's Experiment Day."

"That's right, today I am studying." Zim said flipping the next page of his math book. Zim looked at the paged puzzled.

"This is too hard." Zim proclaimed. "I don't need to know math, but in order to beat Dib, I'm gonna have to…"

Gir became bored by his master's complaints and decided to roll around the floor finding a good place to take a nap. Minimoose floated into the living room to greet Zim.

"Meh." Minimoose peeped.

"Not now Minimoose, Can't you see I need my concentration?" Zim explained studying his page.

"Meh." Minimoose peeped again and floated away into the kitchen.

Gir looked up at his flustered master that was flipping the book upside down to get a better interpretation of the problems.

"I wanna help!" Gir said standing up. Zim looked down at his robot and began to laugh.

"Help, me, Gir, you are better off rolling on the floor. This is complicated stuff." Zim said pointing a problem to Gir from his math book. Gir stared at the problem.

"6x7=42" Gir stated. Zim flipped to the back of the page for the answer and saw he was correct.

"Okay, Gir, what is 42x2?" Zim asked him.

"64." Gir answered him. Zim flipped to the back and saw that Gir was right again. Gir's mathematical reasoning amazed Zim.

"How come you can learn math and still can't perform the tasks I tell you?" Zim asked him.

"I don't know." Gir shook his head.

"Now, teach your master the meaning of Earth Math!" Zim demanded of Gir.

"Okay dokee…" Gir said hopping on the couch getting ready to teach.

Meanwhile…

Gaz walked into the living room hoping that with her brother studying, she would be able to watch her T.V. show in peace but she was wrong for when she entered the living room, there was Dib sitting on the couch reading one of his magazines. Gaz stared at her brother annoyed.

"Shouldn't you be studying?" Gaz asked him. Dib smirked at her.

"I don't need to study. This test is in the bag." Dib said.

"Oh, really?" Gaz questioned sitting on the right side of the couch turning on the T.V. with the remote. "What about Zim?"

"He's not going to beat me, Gaz." Dib said confident in his abilities. "He has to learn all that human knowledge in one night while I been learning it my whole life. I doubt his 'Irken knowledge handling' is that great. Learning that much knowledge in one night is impossible. I have the upper hand in this situation and pretty soon he will be personally handing over his brain."

"How's he going to do that if his brain is outside his body?" Gaz questioned Dib.

"Hmmm…." Dib hummed. "I don't know but I'm defiantly getting a brain."

"What makes you think he's not going to take your brain anyway even if he did lose?"

"We made a deal, Gaz, I think…" Dib said questioning whether that spit smear was part of an alien agreement.

"I'm just saying what's going to stop him. He did it before." Gaz said.

"And returned it back." Dib corrected her feeling the scar Zim left him under his hair line.

"Only because your brain was too big that he didn't have the right jar for it.

Meanwhile in Zim's lab…

"Ah, now that I have prepared a bigger jar to contain the Dib's brain and learned how to do math, on to science!" Zim stated then he looked around his lab and noticed all the Irken advanced equipment and his experiments.

"Okay, I think I'm good there. On to English!" Zim said taking the elevator out of his lab to his toilet up in the house. Zim got out of his toilet, walked into the living room and picked up his English book. Gir hopped to Zim jumping up and down in front of him. Zim watched as his robot hopped.

"I made up a song!" Gir peeped. "Wanna hear it?"

"No," Zim said ignoring Gir going back to his studying.

"!" Gir begged him but Zim ignored once more and Gir began to cry. His crying was so unbearable that he had to give in.

"Alright, alright," Zim snapped. "Let's hear it!"

"There was two little monkeys hiding in the tree, one came along and that made three. Then two little monkeys joined the gang to make a pack, one little monkey gave them all a snack. They played together in the trees as happy as can be, they wanted to play forever and then eight came along and that made thirteen. They swung around the trees eating all the bugs, twelve went home, and then there was one. Then seven joined his friend and had lots of time, two left the party and then there was five. And…"

"How long is this song?" Zim said covering the sides of his head with his books.

"Let me FINISH!" Gir complaint then went back to singing. "Five little monkey went to the jungle gym and wanted to play merry-go-round, two was found and that made eight."

"That didn't even rhyme." Zim pointed out.

"MY SONGGG!" Gir protested. Zim sighed and waited for Gir to finish singing before getting back to studying.

Meanwhile back at Dib's house…

"Ahh," Dib sighed happily putting down his magazine. "Time to get some sleep."

Dib was about to turn off the T.V. until Mysterious Mysteries came on. Dib looked at the show puzzled.

"Huh, this isn't the usual time slot for the show." Dib said and listened to the T.V. closely.

"Mysterious Mysteries Marathon, all new episodes, all night long! Episodes so great that would never leave. Not even to use the bathroom because you would forget you had the urge to go. Our reason for doing this, you say? Because at Mysterious Mysteries, we know you have nothing better to do."

"Wow!" Dib screamed excitedly. "A Mysterious Mysteries Marathon, sweet!"

Dib sat back on the couch preparing for an exciting night. Then it was morning, Dib watched the whole series all night long. Dib yawned and developed a huge headache when turning off the T.V.

"What time is it?" Dib questioned and looked at the clock. It was 7:30AM. "Oh, man, did I really watch that all night long? I have to get to skool."

Dib grabbed his books and ran out the door without breakfast. He ran to skool and saw that Zim was walking up the stairs to get inside the building.

"Zim!" Dib shouted. Zim turned around and saw that Zim didn't look his best either. Zim twitched his eye at Dib and walked away.

"What happen to you?" Dib asked him. "Studied all night long?"

Zim suddenly grabbed Dib's collar and whispered. "The monkeys…"

Zim let go of Dib and walked away leaving Dib wondering what happened to him. Zim sat at his desk and rubbed his eye lids.

"So sleepy, why must Gir sing that song all night long?" Zim said then the bell rang. Ms. Bitters slithered into her desk and greeted her students.

"Did you guys study?" Ms. Bitters asked them. They nodded and Dib walked into the classroom. "Why are you late?"

"Tired, so tired…" Dib muttered walking to his desk.

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha, pathetic human bodies," Zim shouted. Dib stuck out his tongue and sat down.

"Laugh now," Dib threatened. "I will be the one getting your brain and give it to the Swollen Eyeballs so we will do horrible tests on it."

"What?" Zim questioned him. "Never!"

"Quiet! We are beginning the test!" Ms. Bitters shouted handing out the papers. She handed each student a booklet and a score key to put their answers on. Zim stared at the bubbles.

"Don't write on the books! The test is multiple choice and all your answers shall be filled in on this card." Ms. Bitters said showing her students the right cards to be filled out. "Now, begin!"

Zim flipped the book open. It was the English portion of the test and he had to read this story to answer his questions.

'Jane Goodman studied gorillas for many years and….' Zim read in his mind until a little tune popped into his head. 'Little monkeys hiding in the tree, one came along and that made three…No no, have to focus… They played together in the trees as happy as can be, they wanted to play forever and then eight came along and that made thirteen….NO no this is not right, have to complete reading…'

Zim struggled with his inner monkey while Dib tried reading his story. He stared at one word, and then started answering questions. 'I barely understand what they are asking, but I should get some of them right by guessing.' Dib reasoned while Zim on the other hand flipped through his book trying to find a question that didn't have any monkeys in it but it was useless, all Zim could see is monkeys.

'Yes, yes, of course!' Zim thought. 'The answers are right in front of me this whole time! The answers are monkeys!' Zim followed Gir's song into insanity as he started drawing pictures of monkeys on his answer key. After he was done, he slammed his head on his desk and blanked out. Dib finished his test successfully, saw Zim sleeping and decided to take a nap.

"Alien monkeys, took over," Dib muttered in his sleep. "I warned you, I warned you all…"

Ms. Bitters took her yard stick and smacked her desk with it. The sound of the huge snap woke those two from their slumber. They looked around the classroom and noticed none of their classmates were here.

"Well, you boys should be awfully proud of yourselves." Ms. Bitters growled sarcastically.

"Did I get a higher score than that alien-creep?" Dib asked his teacher.

"Alien-creep? I'm just a normal looking boy." Zim denied. "Am I superior to that cretin?"

"No, both of you are cretins." Ms. Bitters plainly spoke. "You all failed getting zeros."

"What?" Dib and Zim shouted together.

"Yes," Ms. Bitters said slithering up to Zim's desk showing him his answer key that she corrected earlier. "You, Zim drew monkeys all over your card not filling a single bubble, so you failed."

"But the monkeys," Zim shouted acting paranoid. "They were the answer!"

"No, they were not!" Ms. Bitters shouted and slithered quickly to Dib's desk. "And you Dib, you filled all your answers in pen not a No. 2 pencil, unacceptable!"

"Oh, come on," Dib protested. "Some of my answers had to be correct; you can't judge my answers wrong just because I used a pen."

"You dare questioned the authority of standardize testing?" Ms. Bitters shouted at the boy. Dib stared at the grim old lady in fright as the room became darker by her statement. Then dark shadows of people in cloaks came out from Ms. Bitters shadow and started surrounding Dib's head.

"No…not really." Dib peeped. Then the room turned back to regular lighting and the shadows disappeared. Dib wondered what time it was and looked at the clock. It was 3:05PM.

"Hey, skool's out." Dib said. "How come you let us sleep in?"

"Because the students and I agreed that it was better to have you guys sleeping than having to deal with your bickering. It was a peaceful afternoon, but now that you two are awake, you shall suffer my wrath!" Ms. Bitters screamed as her black dress started growing shadowing tentacles around her. Dib and Zim stared horrified by their teacher's new form. "Get up to the chalk board!"

Dib and Zim got out of their desks quickly and ran pass Ms. Bitters evil tentacles. They turned around and saw that Ms. Bitters was eye level with both of them. They grasped with fear.

"I want each of you to write, 'I am a moron' one hundred times. After this exercise, your self-esteem shall be at an all time low." Ms. Bitters explained their punishment. Dib and Zim picked up the piece of chalk and started from the top. They wrote 'I am moron' for about three minutes until Dib became annoyed by how unfair his punishment was and it was all Zim's fault. Dib turned around to see that Ms. Bitters was reading on of her occult books and decided to annoy Zim. Dib wrote 'Zim's a moron', under the other sentences. Zim spotted his statement and decided to write a message of his own. 'Dib's a bigger moron.'

'Zim's a human wanna-be.' Dib wrote.

'Like I want to be human, Dib-stink, then I would smell like you!' Zim wrote sly fully back.

'It would be an improvement.' Dib wrote.

"I won your brain!" Zim snapped finally frustrated with his insults.

"You never even answered a single question; I won your brain, Zim!" Dib argued to him.

"You Lie!" Zim rebutted.

"SILENCE!" Ms. Bitters demanded. "No one get each other's brains! Now because you distracted me, erase your work and start over!"

"But…" Dib and Zim said.

"Quiet, one more brain non-sense and I'll send you to the principle office. There you would all know the meaning of losing your brain." Ms. Bitters threatened. Dib and Zim shut their mouths, erased their work and started over with their punishment without uttering a single word.

The End


End file.
